2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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