Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just forgot I was standing up.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
