So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
