her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
