Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
