please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
