Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
