Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
