i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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