If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
