I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
