we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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