her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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