They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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