He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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