I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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