I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
