Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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