Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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