You're my little dorito
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
