It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
