Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The power of my boobs compel you
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
