any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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