just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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