Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
