Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
