you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
