It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
