Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
