my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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