Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
