new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
