dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
