I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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