were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
