While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
