Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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