so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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