i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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