you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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