Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
