Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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