fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
