the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
