I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
