why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
