cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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