yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
