I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
