I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
