oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My ass is underappreciated
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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